Trigger warnings: gaslighting, emotional abuse, physical abuse
So this morning, I was physically prevented from leaving the house.
I wanted to go speak to the hiring manager at a local McDonald’s, then visit a friend. My mother intervened before I could leave, physically getting in my way and forbidding me from leaving the house except at her say-so. In case you were wondering, I *don’t* have her say so.
I would also like to take this opportunity to briefly discuss my mother’s abusive history. My mother and I have been locked in a power struggle for a very, very long time. Our relationship has always been one of abuser/abused: gaslighting, mocking, beatings and scratchings, shaking, and constant yelling and nitpicking are a common, weekly thing in my house. My mother attempts to exert as much control of me as possible, and that includes letting me think that I have room to breathe before yanking my “leash” back. She has refused to get me medical or dental care, even though my dad wants to help me: I have what may be PCOS, and a tooth is rotting in the top right corner of my mouth. She also believes that my depression and anxiety issues are bullshit, because “everyone gets sad.” When I’ve tried negotiating with her calmly, she frequently pulls a “you’re hurt? What about MY HURT?” and doesn’t let me go further, nor offer any sort of solution beyond me being a perfect daughter. Which, by her standards, I will never be.
But I’m writing all of this now because today shook me awake. I NEED to get out. I haven’t been able to find work, and I have an overdue phone bill which means I may lose my primary ability to get out and STAY out. It doesn’t help that I now have frequent panic attacks, have trouble sleeping and lack the energy to get up in the morning when I can finally close my eyes. And living in this house has been hell.
I *get* that a lot of people in my corner of Tumblr don’t like me. But I am asking for as much support, potential donations and referrals to resources as I can get, from anyone, because it is finally too bad for me here. If you:
- know of domestic violence shelters in New Brunswick, NJ or NYC
- know about free clinics or therapy in central NJ or NYC
- know about the process of getting welfare and food stamps in NJ
- are able to donate (all funding is pretty much going to getting me the hell out of this house, then my phone bill, then a dental visit - in that order)
- can’t donate, but wouldn’t mind helping me cast my net out wide
Please contact me/reblog. Donations can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org via PayPal, and I can be contacted there as well. I can confirm my identity if needed, although the circumstances that are pushing me out make me REALLY skittish about putting my first and last name out too frequently. My parents are computer-savvy, know that I have a Tumblr (although they don’t know what url I am) and will start trawling the internets once I disappear.
Thank you so much. I’ve just hit my rock bottom and I need as much help as I can get to crawl out of this okay.
HELP PLEASE. Reblog, boost contribute as much as possible.
This entry was published on 20 August 2012 and has 1503 note(s).
It was tagged: signal boosting,